Photo by Martin J Palmer
What Should a Funeral Be?
Unique!
…Because every life is different, and every funeral should reflect the uniqueness of the one who has passed away. But actually, a funeral should be many things. Here are some that I have found to be important:
- To celebrate the life of the one departed;
- To hold him or her in our midst;
- To give people the chance to articulate their love and grief;
- To share in communal love and grief;
- To allow those who were not able to say goodbye to make their parting;
- To release the loved one from this world in peace.
All of the above have been elements of most of the funerals I have celebrated. Occasionally other things are needed too, and when appropriate, they are of the most profound value…
- To silently acknowledge any hurt;
- To quietly ask for, or offer, forgiveness;
- To begin to let go what couldn’t be accomplished.
These last three must be done with the greatest delicacy. I never speak of painful events explicitly, but merely inviting mourners to acknowledge them in hearts if they need to.
The only thing I believe funerals should never be is trivial. They are incredibly important occasions for anyone who cares deeply about one who has passed on, and perhaps for the departed themselves. The funeral service is a balancing point between all that has gone before and all that is to come; they can be times of release, of closure, of reconciliation, of renewal, of peace.
To my mind, all this applies equally to both ‘secular’ and ‘religious’ funerals; the intention is essentially the same, only some of the language is different. I am just as happy to include prayers in my services as as I am to keep the language entirely secular. I intend to write a blog post soon to discuss of this important question.
Do we need a celebrant?
A funeral can be conducted with or without a celebrant, and he or she can be a friend, family member, minister of religion, or, like me, a professional celebrant. It is often valuable to involve someone who is sympathetic but not emotionally involved, allowing those close to the one passed on to take part in the service fully in their hearts. A celebrant will also be used to public speaking and can worry about technicalities such as timing (which unfortunately is essential).
A celebrant can contribute little or much: he or she can be a master of ceremonies only, or write and deliver every word.
Is Toby the right Celebrant?
Please take time to read about me, what other people have said, and some of the blog posts I have written. Feel free to contact me, and I will be delighted to offer a free telephone consultation.
If you would like me to celebrate the funeral of someone you love, please let your funeral director know.
And then this is how I usually work…
I like to meet the family and or close friends of the one who has died face-to-face if possible. It’s good to take time over this conversation; I want to feel I know the person, so that I can offer the funeral appropriate to her or him, and just as importantly, the funeral needed by those who remain. I encourage people to talk about their departed friend. This may include sharing memories that are not intended for the funeral service, but to deepen my knowledge.
I also need to check whether, for example, I should:
- Write a eulogy?
- Deliver a eulogy someone else has written?
- Include poetry or prayers?
I also need to know:
- Whether friends or family plan to say tributes; and,
- What music will be included.
Then I write, and carefully time the funeral service. If I am writing a eulogy, I can send the text to close family in advance, if they wish. I am also happy to share the complete script after the funeral.
The Funeral Service
I have a sense of profound honour about my role as a celebrant. I feel my job is – actually or symbolically – to accompany the one departed and the living to the threshold, there to release the departed onwards to whatever awaits (and I do not claim to know what that is) and to return with those that remain to our earthly tasks.
We live in a society which is for the most part post-Christian, post-religious. Our need to allow science to describe the universe has not reduced our inner need for meaning. Death confronts all of us, whether we pursue a faith or not, as a mystery – and so we are absolutely all united in death. It is a mystery which need not be terrifying and may be suffused with joy. It is my hope, in addition to all the other things a funeral might be, to make it a meaningful occasion, one in which a little of that mystery touches those gathered, turning their funeral lament into a song of hope.